# Stun Gun (only a man would do this)



## john doe. (Aug 26, 2006)

(Gals - you have got to read the whole thing if you can keep the tears out of your eyes)

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a

pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.

The occasion was our 22nd Anniversary, and I was looking for a little something "extra"

for my wife.

I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on the assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device, and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries

in the thing, and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at

the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to the Wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all

THAT bad, with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!! There I sat in my recliner with my

cat, Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions,

and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie, (for only a fraction of a second) and then

thought better of it. She's such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my

wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work

as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top, with my reading glasses perched

delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The

directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a

two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms, and a major loss of bodily
control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground

like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would just be wasting

the batteries.

All the while, I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch

in circumference; (pretty cute really, and loaded with two little bitty, itsy, bitsy triple-A

batteries) thinking to myself, "NO possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there

alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't POSSIBLY

hurt all that bad...

I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs

to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION


I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner,

then body slammed us both on the carpet, over, and over, and over, and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side, in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body

soaking wet, both nipples on fire, Testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked

under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking

my face, and undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution:

there is NO SUCH THING as a "one-second burst" , when you zap yourself. You will not

let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on

the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. that hurt!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected

my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading

glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. (How did they up get there???)

My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.


I'm still looking for my testicles.
I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.


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## Wandering Man (Jul 9, 2006)

:anim_lol::anim_lol::anim_lol::anim_lol::anim_lol:


Thanks!

:anim_lol:

WM


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## Baldy (Jun 21, 2006)

Wandering Man said:


> :anim_lol::anim_lol::anim_lol::anim_lol::anim_lol:
> 
> Thanks!
> 
> ...


:anim_lol::anim_lol:ROTFLMAO!:anim_lol::anim_lol:


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## Benzbuilder (Sep 7, 2006)

At least He didn't ZAP yhe cat. PETA would have been all over that one. I had to stop reading because of the tears in my eyes. He tells the story very well. I hope he finds his testes soon before the wife finds out and he has to explain where they went.



Here's your sign!


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## SuckLead (Jul 4, 2006)

Oh, not only a man. I did sign a waver and volunteer to be tasered even after watching a guy take it. :anim_lol:


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## JimmySays (Jun 8, 2007)

Curiousity almost killed the cat, or the cat's owner.:anim_lol::anim_lol:


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