# should my daughter visit her mom who is in jail or are phone calls better?



## 1924 (Aug 19, 2015)

since there is an off topic section here I thought I might ask about this 


My wife, who is also mother of my fourteen year old has been sentenced to jail for six months for a financial crime. I am willing to stick by her and not leave her because I feel She made some stupid mistakes but it was out of character so I think she just got herself into a bad situation and make some poor decisions, She also never did anything bad at all before this And I am not defending her or saying she should not serve her punishment. I told my daughter we should be glad her mother is serving time for her actions. Doing the right thing for her mistakes. Also, her mother is showing regret and no defense at what she did . I am thinking of letting my daughter visit her and have her still be involved with her child because she was never an absent or abusive parent or anything. Some might say sticking by her is being enabling but I just cannot agree 
I think it is good to prepare in advance for her absence for the next six months. I wonder what are some good ways to do so, we still have time one of the things we must figure out is how to prepare for this upcoming incarceration. What are some good ways especially for each person to prepare for this? 
My daughter seems to be taking it fine , she also said it is kind of funny that her mother is locked up and is now the one being ordered around by others. This is weird because she never had a bad relationship with her mother. I asked what she meant and she said she was just joking. I think that is OK to try to crack a joke to make the situation feel less bad and that a better way of handing the situation instead of being hysterical about i shouldI take her to visit her mother when she is in jail, or is it a bad idea? My wife says she can come if she wants to. But even if she wants to it could be a bad environment. Also, seeing her mother in jail (which I hear is very de humanizing) could be a bad image. Her mom will be dressed in a jail uniform and is of course rightfully being treated like any other inmate but that might send a "normalizing" message to my daughter -I hear it is a hassle to get in. Also, seeing other inmates or even police officers could be intimidating to a young girl If I do allow her what should I tell her in advance to prepare her? Is it a good idea for her to ask her mother questions about all this?


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## BackyardCowboy (Aug 27, 2014)

Don't have a lot of helpful info for you. If the jail she's going to has a website; see if there's a page of what to expect as a visitor. Is there a search or metal detector to walk thru. Will (your wife) be allowed contact, or will you have to speak thru glass using a handset. (if so, expect that any conversation is monitored and/or recorded and is NOT privileged (can be used in court). If no helpful website, see if you can speak with a sheriff deputy or corrections officer to find out about the visitation process.
Perhaps if wife is willing, have a sit down with your daughter before she begins serving her time to talk about it (all 3 of you). You might explain to your daughter that though mom has made some mistakes, you do not see her as a bad person and will stand by her. That though jail related TV shows are popular on TV, this is your family reality and will be different than watching it on TV as you are living it.

Hope this helps


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## miketx60 (Jul 20, 2015)

As a Corrections officer, I can say that a positive visit from you and your daughter will improve her morale 10 fold. As your daughter is underage you will have to accompany her. Usually during the visits you are allowed to bring in a certain amount of money to buy food and snacks for the detainee. This will also boost her morale. Depending of where she is locked up, they usually have certain rules governing visits, so be sure to call the place and find out what you are allowed to do. Also, your wife may have to place both of you on her visitation list. Make sure you know the rules beforehand. As far as what you should take in to the visit, all you need is your ID, car keys and the money, usually coins. No cell phones cameras, weapons of any type or electronics are allowed and they have specific dress codes for you.

Also be aware that being locked up will change people to a degree while they are serving time. Some people will do things while locked up that they would never have done on the outside. Don't be to critical.


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## Steve M1911A1 (Feb 6, 2008)

I suggest, without direct personal knowledge, that if your daughter visits her mother in jail, it would be a salutary lesson for a 'teenager about the consequences of doing the inappropriate thing.
Regular in-person visits will maintain her relationship with her mother, and will also continually underline the unpleasant results of illegal and improper behavior.
Both of those factors will be equally important to your daughter's development as a responsible adult.


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## paratrooper (Feb 1, 2012)

I agree with others. Take her to visit her mother. If she doesn't, that in itself could be material for future issues down the road.


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## AirForceShooter (May 6, 2006)

Given the way you describe your family relationships I would say with one note.

Ask you wife. Be guided by her wishes. 6 months isn't a long time.

After the first visit reappraisal might be in order

AFS


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## 1924 (Aug 19, 2015)

Just want to make it clear it is not the mom in any way. It's is simply the environment, the inmates and guards and what her mom will be wearing.


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## miketx60 (Jul 20, 2015)

All the cons will be wearing that and the visitation environment is usually pleasant. They are monitored for inappropriate behavior and the cons have an unwritten rule that if you do something stupid in front of women and children at visit, you are toast. That convict will no longer be safe on the unit. So go for it, and like they said it may be a learning experience for your daughter.

Edit: Be aware that convicts get into fights sometimes over really dumb stuff. Like sitting in the wrong chair or not making eye contact, etc etc.

Plus if you want to help her more, set up a commissary account so you can put money on her account and she can buy things that they don't give her, such as hygiene items, feel good food, books, sodas, etc. Be warned that other cons may try to take this from her.


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## 1924 (Aug 19, 2015)

yes they all wear that which would might make it weird to see her mom wearing it


also aren't fights more common in prisons than jails? 

also, what are the main things she can learn from a visit?


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## miketx60 (Jul 20, 2015)

I can't say what she will learn. Convicts are the same all over so fights happen. You just have to suck it up and hope for the best. 6 months is not that long.


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## Steve M1911A1 (Feb 6, 2008)

Hey, *1924*, clear your PM files.
Until you do, I can't answer your last question.


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## 1924 (Aug 19, 2015)

Steve M1911A1 said:


> Hey, *1924*, clear your PM files.
> Until you do, I can't answer your last question.


I have done so


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## Steve M1911A1 (Feb 6, 2008)

Well, *1924*, you're still asking questions via PM, but your inbox is once again too full to accept answers.

But anyway, you keep asking the very same questions, over and over again. There's no purpose in it.
You can ask and ask, but the answers won't change, no matter how much you want them to.
So the conversation's becoming circular and repetitive.

I've had enough.
You asked for my input, and I give it to you. But it's never enough, and you just won't stop.
Repeating the same information, over and over again, won't solve any problems.

Please leave me out of the conversation, from now on.


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## paratrooper (Feb 1, 2012)

Steve M1911A1 said:


> Well, *1924*, you're still asking questions via PM, but your inbox is once again too full to accept answers.
> 
> But anyway, you keep asking the very same questions, over and over again. There's no purpose in it.
> You can ask and ask, but the answers won't change, no matter how much you want them to.
> ...


I too, offered up as much advice as I could via PM. Still basically received the same questions over and over. I ran out of ways to answer the same questions. I finally stopped replying.

Just take your daughter to visit her mom and get on with it. It's *NOT* that big of a deal. Lots of children visit family in prison.


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## 1924 (Aug 19, 2015)

I have decided to take her. My previous feelings of worrying now are gone.


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## Steve M1911A1 (Feb 6, 2008)

Good!


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## paratrooper (Feb 1, 2012)

1924 said:


> I have decided to take her. My previous feelings of worrying now are gone.


Let us know how it worked out.


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