# My wife is...uncomfortable



## camguy (Feb 8, 2008)

I need some advice.
My wife doesn't like handguns. She didn't grow up with them, isn't familiar with them, and marrying me has introduced her to a whole new world (it's been almost eight years).
I got my CCW four months ago, and I've been carrying. However, this weekend she "outed" me, noticing my 92FS while we were enjoying a fire at home.
Now, I'm a legal, responsible, sane gun owner. We've had loaded weapons in the house our entire relationship, but she's having a serious issue with me actually packing.
While I totally respect her point of view, she thinks I've become a "gun nut." She said she's worried to have an argument with me, as if I'd pull my piece on her any more than I'd grab a hammer and hurt the woman I love. Ain't gonna happen.
I got my CCW to protect us both. 
What can I say to her to reassure her that just because I have a pistol in my belt I'm not on the verge of a shooting rampage? 
Again, weapons are totally foreign to her, and she's been very cool about my hobby, but carrying has crossed a real line with her.
Anyone else been in this situation?


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## benzuncle (Aug 29, 2007)

This is a tough situation. My wife was not very interested in guns or my wanting to carry when I got my Concealed Weapons Permit. Watching the nightly news helps. She bought me 2 pair of cargo shorts for Christmas; the first thing she asked when I tried them on was, "Does you gun fit in the pocket okay?" I almost cried! My daughter inlaw is from Sao Paulo, Brazil and will become a proud :smt1099 U.S. citizen in August. She told me recently that she will be getting a permit and a gun just as soon as she becomes a citizen because she does not want to become a statistic of rape or murder.

Here's an article that might help: http://www.nbc5i.com/news/15655537/detail.html I hope this will give your wife a reason.

I tell you this: you see a lot more females at the gun ranges these days. And when I took my concealed weapons class, I'd say that 25% of the attendees (approx. 80) were female.


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## tt3 (Mar 23, 2008)

Have you tried taking her to the range with you? Do you have a .22 or something else small that she can shoot?
When we first met my wife was 100% against handguns. Eight years later she has turned around 180* and bought one. It started with me taking her bird hunting, then to the range when I "inherited" a couple older handguns.
Also see if you can have her sit in on a carry class or look into the NRA's intro to firearms for women. Check with local ranges for similar things.
Good luck!


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## Dsig1 (Dec 23, 2007)

I talked my wife into taking a beginner handgun class at our local range to help her feel more comfortable. She was very reluctant but I got a friend's wife to go too. After taking the course she was much more positive. She got her CCW (why not since it's only $25 and a two week wait in PA) and she's out shooting with me now. She carries about 50% of the time. See if you can gently nudge her over the edge. 

My wife saw the light because I frequently go away for business and she thought it would be stupid for something to happen while I was away and all the time there was a gun in the nightstand safe that she could have used.


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## neophyte (Aug 13, 2007)

*adding?*

camguy: Adding to the others comments. Without question respecting her, his position is paramount. 
Education is the answer. HOW do we educate the true 'gun/victim not knower's' [something said I could say that]

We could start with statistics, we could start with scare tactics, we could start with FBI reports on 'personal' violence. I personally wouldn't waste the time or energy with any part of that.

My approach; getting the non shooter involve in the art of doing. At this time with most of our younger generation playing the ?video? games, treat yourself and your wife, friend, associate to a shooting range for "video" reality games.
I try and go when the least amount of shooting activity is taken place. Less distractions. Spending little time teaching all the in's and out of shooting. Safety only. The basic premise, just acquaint new shooter.

From that; the experience and being in the moment helps. It is not a cure all nor am I suggesting it'll worlk all the time;


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## MLB (Oct 4, 2006)

I may be bucking the trend here, but rather than assume she's unreasonalby upset, perhaps packing a handgun in your home by the fire seems like a big jump from not carrying a handgun at all.

Some here have a handgun within 6 feet of them at all times. Some just target practice with them. I'd offer that most are somewhere in the middle. Everyone's enthusiastic with a new CHL I'd think. Perhaps it's a bit much for her.

Only your judgement is important here. You know the situation best. I know that the concerns of my wife and family take precidence over everything else. Best wishes.


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## mikej997 (Jan 26, 2008)

I agree with the other suggestions to see if you can 'nudge her over the edge' so to speak. My wife did not have any firearms background when we got married (14 years ago). I got very lucky though, :smt023 that she is such a great sport! She went from a big city girl to a country girl and now camps, hunts, and shoots with me. Recently we took the CCW class together, "just to see what it was about" and then a week later, we went and applied together. :mrgreen: She also took the Colorado hunters safety course with my boys (7 and 10) and got a spring turkey tag! I am very excited! :mrgreen::mrgreen: If you had asked me 5 years ago, I would have told you it would never happen. Be patient with your wife, give her a chance to get used to it and see if you can get her involved somehow. I wouldn't be too pushy about it though, but give her time. My wife has suprised the heck out of me! :smt168


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## john doe. (Aug 26, 2006)

Tuff one. When I got my CCW my wife wondered why I needed it and I would often get the, "what ever" look when I packed. After almost a year it's just part of me and she has no problem with it and has even asked when we're out if she feels nervious about someone if I'm packing. I had the advantage of being a Security Policeman in the Air Force and also serving in the Army Guard when we first married. So she knows my background with firearms so it wasn't a real big leap for her.

I'd say, don't push it and time will probably calm her fears. My wife didn't grow up with guns either and had three sisters and no brother so was not exposed to firearms except in movies. She changed a lot and doesn't mind anymore.


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## Wyatt (Jan 29, 2008)

Camguy, I'm a little confused why your wife now has a problem with it. Are you saying that after 8 years of marriage she first noticed that you wear a gun while at home? I'm assuming that's the case since you didn't need the CCW in order to carry in your own home. If you have just recently started packing in your home then maybe she has a valid reason to feel something has changed, and that's why she's thinking your a gun "nut". Think about it from her perspective. That's a pretty major change for her to digest to suddenly go to where you must have a gun on your person at all times, including your own home.


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## Charlie (May 13, 2006)

I hope she gets over it. And Hey, what's wrong with being a gun nut? I generally consider that a compliment. :mrgreen:


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## submoa (Dec 16, 2007)

camguy said:


> She said she's worried to have an argument with me, as if I'd pull my piece on her any more than I'd grab a hammer and hurt the woman I love.


How your wife could possibly think this of you is the most important issue you've identified. The fact that you were carrying for 4 months before her "discovery" is either a testament to your skills of concealment or an indicator of the communication between the two of you.


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## Todd (Jul 3, 2006)

I've had my CCW a couple years now. The wife never grew up with guns and is still not a fan, but she is getting there slowly. She resisted me getting my CCW at first, but I still went through with it stressing the fact that I wanted to carry for protection for all of us and also the ease of getting a gun whenever I wanted and not giving to go to the Sheriff's office to get a purchase permit each time. She was not thrilled when I started to actually carry, but I think she let it go as a passing fancy. But now she's completely used to the fact that I am armed pretty much all the time and I'm working on getting her to get her permit. I think you just need to keep carrying, stress how important this is to you to be able to defend her and you if the time comes and give your wife time to accept the idea. If my wife can come around, yours can.


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## Wandering Man (Jul 9, 2006)

As recommended above, find a way to get her involved with the sport. When you take her to the range, make sure you check "Macho" at the door, go with small calibers, teach her safety before you get on the range, use double ear protection, and respect her wishes if she asks to leave.

Allow her to bring a friend, or you introduce her to another woman who enjoys the sport.



Charlie said:


> Hey, what's wrong with being a gun nut? I generally consider that a compliment. :mrgreen:


Yeah, considering what people usually call you! :anim_lol:

WM


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## Todd (Jul 3, 2006)

Wandering Man said:


> Allow her to bring a friend, or you introduce her to another woman who enjoys the sport.


If I didn't know better, I'd say WM is suggesting a 3 way! :smt082:smt082:smt082


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## john doe. (Aug 26, 2006)

Or... you can do what I did with my ex when I introduced her to a handgun for the first time over twenty years ago. Go get a Ruger Super Blackhawk, load it with full .44 magnum rounds and say, "Here dear. Give this a shot". Just be sure to stand behind her when she shoots so you can catch her. Oh, and don't laugh at her when her palm turns black and blue from the recoil a few days later. Take from me, she will not find the humor in it.


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## Wandering Man (Jul 9, 2006)

tnoisaw said:


> Or... you can do what I did with my ex when I introduced her to a handgun for the first time over twenty years ago. Go get a Ruger Super Blackhawk, load it with full .44 magnum rounds and say, "Here dear. Give this a shot". Just be sure to stand behind her when she shoots so you can catch her. Oh, and don't laugh at her when her palm turns black and blue from the recoil a few days later. Take from me, she will not find the humor in it.


This is now referred to, in professional circles, as the "Tnoisaw early exit strategy technique" for ending spousal relations.

:anim_lol:

WM


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## camguy (Feb 8, 2008)

Thanks, everyone!

As usual, nothing but great advice from the members of this forum.

I especially was stung, and took to heart, suggestions about communication. Point well taken.

I'd love to get her involved in the sport of shooting, but she has a genuine aversion to loud noises. It really is a shame, because with a pellet gun or an AirSoft she is a fantastic shot!


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## Wandering Man (Jul 9, 2006)

camguy said:


> I'd love to get her involved in the sport of shooting, but she has a genuine aversion to loud noises. It really is a shame, because with a pellet gun or an AirSoft she is a fantastic shot!


Not to push, but this is why double ear protection is important for introducing shootin. 3Reds couldn't stand being on the range with just earmuffs. She fled in tears once because of the sound of the gun in the neighboring lane.

Once she started using plugs plus muffs, she found shooting to be enjoyable. Although she says that big guns being shot in the next lane (indoor range) still rattle her teeth.

Outdoor ranges are much more pleasant, sound-wise.

WM


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## bps3040 (Jan 6, 2008)

My wife had reservations also. We talked about how important it was to me.....she HATED my XD 40. And that was only watching me shoot. Said it made the ground shake,lol. I was able to get her to look at the website-http://www.corneredcat.com/FirstGun/which.aspx. And she would go to the range to watch me shoot. Everytime we saw woman shooting and she would ask how big is there gun,lol. 

Finally, she said she would like to try shooting, but not my cannon. I let her know how excited and happy I was that should even try... just for me. We started looking for guns. Actually was able to get her to go to a gunshow. She picked up every .22 and would ask my opinion. I kept telling her that it was her gun, not mine, and she had to like the feel. While there, a lady came up and told how much fun she would have and how the .22 did not even kick. I wish I new her name, so I could thank her. Well, we picked up a little P22, she was so excited we went straight to the range...she had a blast. 

That was 6 weeks ago, this weekend she wanted to try something "bigger". We went to our second gunshow...she picked them up and decided the XDsc 9 had the best feel. She picked this gun without any help from me. She loves that gun, lol.I kept telling her that she would probably end up shooting better than I do. She cannot wait to go next weekend.

If she does go shooting, get her those "see um" targets. She loved seeing the shot highlighted like that.

Lol, I think I created a monster. But, I am happy as hell about it.

PS- I f you get her to go shooting, do not shoot at all. Just lavious all the attention on her..... she will eat it up.
Hope this helps.


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## neophyte (Aug 13, 2007)

*Growth*

bps3040; Sir; congratulations on the new Shooting partner. Just let her enjoy and not be bogged down with a lot of "Technicality" [quote' no macho]:smt033 
As time progress's you can gradually add to yours and her growth. :mrgreen:
Fun only:smt023 
follow up with your experiences.:mrgreen:


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## kenn (Dec 13, 2007)

*Hmmm.*

She just needs to hear your side from a woman's perspective. I recommend this:

http://www.corneredcat.com/


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## TampaSsgt (Apr 3, 2008)

When I met my wife she had little to no experience with firearms. She used to go with me to watch me shoot, but she had no urge to shoot.

I am an ex-LEO and had not carried off duty concealed since I left the job in the late 80's. VA Tech changed that. We had been married about 7 years when I decided to get my Concealed Weapon License.

I sat down with her and I explained that I did not feel good about being able to defend her only with my swiss army knife if a slimeball tried to harm her.

She asked me if I intended to be a vigilante if I carried, and I advised her that I would only carry to protect her. She understood and had no problem when I got my CWL and began carrying. She is now so used to it that she doesn't even inquire if I am carrying or not. She knows that I am and it doesn't matter to her anymore. Matter of fact, I think she likes the fact that I am carrying.

She began to ask about her getting a handgun. She hates snakes and when she came across one while working in the backyard she would freak out. I recommended that we get her a .22 so she could load it up with a shotshell and take care of the snakes herself. She liked the idea. I let her look through my magazines and she liked the Taurus Mod. 94 2 inch stainless lightweight. 

I bought her the Taurus and had a set of Laser Grips put on it. She thought that was so cool and we went to the range and she was hooked. That was several months ago. She has now graduated to shooting my SW Model 66 2 1/2 inch roundbutt with .38 ammo and my Colt Combat Commander in .45 ACP... AND she is shooting pretty darned good with it.

Now she is inquiring how she could go about getting HER a CWL. :smt023

Give your wife some time, let her shoot a .22, make it ENJOYABLE for HER. Be supportive and complementary. You can't push her, either she will like it or she won't.

I hope she does come around, because shooting with my wife has become really fun for both of us.


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## babs (Nov 30, 2007)

benzuncle said:


> ...you see a lot more females at the gun ranges these days.


... And some are some pretty dang good shots! :mrgreen:

That corneredcat site is great!!

I just ordered a DAC sportsafe for the master closet.. It was my plan that should be sufficient, but I'm starting to question that for when the little ones get older.. But by the time they have safe-cracking skills down pat, they WILL learn to shoot and respect for a firearm.. The Eddie Eagle principles look great! Stuff I took for granted because I learned to shoot about the time I quit poopin' the pants. :mrgreen:

But with our new firearm in the house, my wife as a good bit uneasy about it, but she agrees and is going to take a class.... It's actually my hopes she really enjoys it.. The kids are going with the grandparents for a whole week soon, so good opportunity to drag her kicking and screaming to the range for a class I think.. by a pro.. not by me.. I have zero credibility hehehe.

But she understands the main principle of the matter... Should someone be absolutely abysmally stupid enough to "invade" the sanctum where our children live play and sleep, we need the necessary implement there to properly make a mess of them for the guys in the big van to clean up.. I pity someone that gets between Mommy's sites if I'm not home and she draws a bead on an intruder. It'd be a bad scene for sure... As long as I make sure we knock the rust off her shooting skills.

But as far as carrying in the house.. I thank goodness we're not at that level (yet) of security threat in our own home. I could see having one close by in some kind of combination safe though on each floor however.


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## rahlquist (Nov 29, 2007)

camguy, you could also try this if she is at all receptive. Put her in a hypothetical version of the situation my wife was in a couple weeks ago.

I get a call at work (a good hour away from home) from my wife, she says there is a weirdo out front creeping her out. Mind you we are 5 miles for the nearest store and basically in the boonies and this guy was in front of our house, by the reoad hanging out by the cypress trees. After calming her down a bit, I told her since the guy who was wearing nothing identifying nor driving any vehicle she could see hadnt come up to the door to identify himself or why he was there she had two choices, call the sherrif dept. and have them come figure him out (after god knows how long) or put her P345 in her holster walk out there and ask him what he was doing. 

She thought about it and said ok, strapped on her .45 a full clip and walked out with me still on the phone with her. She bravely traversed the 35 foot driveway and asked the guy "Can I help you?" which I hear him start to flippantly reply "Can you help ......." his reply was cut off when he realized he wasnt dealing with a stepford wife. 

To cut the long story short he stammered through an explanation, I had fussed to the county board about the crappy backfill they recently did on our road, he was waiting for his chain gang to arrive (yes cons) to fix the poor fill work, and replant new grass seed in our right of way. My wife told him he should have let her know instead of just hanging out in front of the house and went back in side. 

I was relieved and she felt empowered. She had faced a scary situation all on her own, and I knew working an hour away I didnt have to worry about her being alone in our house in the stix anymore.


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## fivehourfrenzy (Aug 12, 2007)

99.9% of people who don't like guns don't like them because "they kill people." I always remind them that a 16-year old can drive a car, and car accidents claim way more lives every year than guns, if you exclude warfare. Cars are deadly weapons just as much as guns are. The only difference is that cars are used for transportation, and the general consensus is that guns are used to kill people or other things. What most people don't realize is that guns are also used for self-defense, and generally speaking when someone is assaulting you, the best defense is to shoot them (which may or may not kill them).

A car kills people...but it doesn't do it without a driver behind the wheel. The same goes for a gun. It takes a person behind the trigger to make it function just like a car does. There are plenty of irresponsible drivers on the road that are more dangerous than a responsible gun owner.


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## SuckLead (Jul 4, 2006)

submoa said:


> How your wife could possibly think this of you is the most important issue you've identified. The fact that you were carrying for 4 months before her "discovery" is either a testament to your skills of concealment or an indicator of the communication between the two of you.


I didn't want to say it, but since someone else did, I'll have to back that up. You may want to talk with your wife and see what's going on at a deeper level. Communitcation issues? Trust issues? Etc. Not to make you paranoid or anything, but it is a suggestion.


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