# Jotd



## Goldwing (Nov 5, 2014)

If anyone knows a joke that you could tell in polite company without your better half actually killing you I want to hear it. I would like some new material........................................................................................................................ O.K. I'll start.

Lena and Olga are out in the garden digging potatoes. Lena cups a pair of medium Russets in her two hands and says to Olga that it made her think of her beloved Ole. Olga looks at the spuds and asks "That big?"
Lena fire back " No stupid, that dirty!"

If you got a good joke and have a sense of humor I want to hear it. Just keep in mind that if it gets nasty I encourage the Mods to close it as they see fit.
GW


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## Cait43 (Apr 4, 2013)

Atlanta Tower : "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."
Saudi Air : "Thank you Atlanta . Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta Tower : " Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."
Iran Air : "Thank you Atlanta. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L. Allah is Great.

"Pause....

Saudi Air : "ATLANTA TOWER - ATLANTA TOWER !"

Atlanta Tower : "Go ahead Saudi Air 511.."

Saudi Air : "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE . . . . . INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"

Atlanta Tower : "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all go on ahead now and tell Allah "hey" for us."


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## Cait43 (Apr 4, 2013)

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girl friend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She could regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car, to my surprise, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car


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## BackyardCowboy (Aug 27, 2014)

(Supply your own Brogue accent)

Father O'Malley's walking down a street in his parish when he sees Mrs O'Reilly. (Who he had performed a wedding for 3 years ago)

"Good morning Mrs O'Reilly, how are you today?"

"Oh fine, Father, fine"

"And how's Mr O'Reilly?"

"Oh he's fine too, Father"

"And have ye been blessed with any children yet?"

"Nay Father, nary a one"

"Oh what a shame, well when I go to the Vatican next week, I'll light a candle for you."

"Oh, thank you Father"


*** Time passes ***

Father O'Malley again chances upon Mrs O'Reilly.

"Ah, Mrs O'Reilly, how are you"

"Oh, fine Father, fine"

"And have you been blessed with any children yet?"

"Oh, yes Father yes. Three sets of twins and another set on the way"

"Saints be praised. And where is Mr O'Reilly?"

"Oh, he's gone to the Vatican to blow out your fookin candle"


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## tony pasley (May 6, 2006)

A W.W. II Ace pilot was being interview by a newscaster on the 50th anniversary of V.E. day and asked if he was every about shot down. Yes on my 2nd mission I was flying at 10,000 ft over France and this German Faulkner came up behind me, well the newscaster interrupted and said said that a Faulkner was a German fighter plane. The Ace said yes but this Faulkner was flying a Messerschmitt.


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## Sierra_Hunter (Feb 17, 2015)

Cait43 said:


> I was a very happy man. My wonderful girl friend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
> 
> My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She could regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
> 
> ...


That Is one of my all time favorite jokes.


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## Cait43 (Apr 4, 2013)

Russian Military Academy

The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S.) gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.

An officer stood up and asked, "Will there be a third world war? And will Russia take part in it?"

The general answered both questions in the affirmative.

Another officer asked, "Who will be the enemy?"

The general replied, "All indications point to China."

Everyone in the audience was shocked. A third officer remarked, "General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?"

The general answered, "Just think about this for a moment: In modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters but the quality of an army's capabilities. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious."
↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓
↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓
↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓
↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓
↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓
↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓
After a small pause an officer from the back of the auditorium asked, "Do we have enough Jews?


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## Cait43 (Apr 4, 2013)

SENIOR SEX 
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."


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## TurboHonda (Aug 4, 2012)

Three old veterans, unknown to each other, were seated on the same row on an airplane. It was going to be a long flight and after a period of time one of the veterans broke the silence with this impromptu introduction.
General. US Air Force. Married . 3 sons. All doctors.
Almost immediately the second veteran announced: General. US Army. Married. 3 sons. All Federal Judges.
Finally the remaining vet said: Gunnery Sergeant. USMC. Never been married. 3 sons. All Generals.


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## Cait43 (Apr 4, 2013)

50 shades of gray

Back and forth. . . . Back and forth. . . .
In and out . . . . In and out . . . .
A little to the right . . . . A little to the left . . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . . And, trickling down the small of her back . . . .

She was getting near to the end.
He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . .
Forwards then backwards.
Forward then backward.
Again . . . . and, again . . . .
Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .
She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .


Finally . . . totally exhausted . . . she let out a piercing scream . . .
She shouted:


"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!"


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## Cait43 (Apr 4, 2013)

Little Thelma's Valentine...

Little Thelma came home from first grade and told her father that they had learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

And, "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asked, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" 

Thelma's father thought a bit, then said "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"The ISIS terrorists," she said.

"Why the ISIS terrorists?" her father asked in shock.

"Well," she said, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give the terrorists a valentine, they might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. 

And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to the terrorists, they'd love everyone a lot. And then they'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved us and how they didn't hate anyone anymore." 

Though skeptical of the idea, her father's heart swelled and he looked at his daughter with new found pride. "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Thelma said, "and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of them!"


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## high pockets (Apr 25, 2011)

Doctor - patient

good news/bad news

Doctor says to patient; "Ahmed, I have good news and bad news, which do you want first?" 

Ahmed says; "Doctor, please give me the good news first."

Doctor says; "We received your test results and you have 24 hours to live."

Ahmed exclaims; "Oh my goodness, if that is the good news, what could possibly be the bad news?"

Doctor replies; "We've been trying to reach you since yesterday afternoon."


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## BackyardCowboy (Aug 27, 2014)

Things you should never say to a cop when he pulls you over:

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?


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## BackyardCowboy (Aug 27, 2014)

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"


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## BackyardCowboy (Aug 27, 2014)

So I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a copper writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on mate, how about giving a bloke a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a horse f*cker. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a shit, my car was parked around the corner... 




The sheriff of a small town was also the town's animal Vet. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?" "Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked. "Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."


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## SailDesign (Jul 17, 2014)

Finnegin: " My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it. "

Keenan: " What on earth is she doin' at that time? "

Finnegin: " Waitin' for me to come home. "


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## Cait43 (Apr 4, 2013)

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. 

The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat. 

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. 

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" 

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to." 

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. 

The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. 

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. 

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. 

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. 

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. 

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. 

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?" 

The gunslinger swallowed hard and s aid, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.


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## BackyardCowboy (Aug 27, 2014)

2016



One sunny day in January, 2016 an old man approached the White ...House from across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and Meet with President Obama."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President
and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same
Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer
president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very
same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama"

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said,
"Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr.
Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no
longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love
hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir.


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## Goldwing (Nov 5, 2014)

I sat down in my church pew unashamedly thinking more about my golf game at noon than my faith and listening to the pastors sermon. I double checked my phone so that I wouldn't interrupt another service. I was going to actually get a little religion that Sunday.

I heard a noise that was like none other. The chapel doors burst open and in steps the DEVIL. He growled in a low tone that panicked everyone from the Pastor to the choir. People were stampeding for the doors and jumping out of windows. I sat calmly as the DEVIL walked up to where I sat and said "Why don't you fear me?"

I looked that son of a bitch in the eye and said "I know you, my ex-wife is your sister."

GW


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## BackyardCowboy (Aug 27, 2014)

If you want to know who is really man’s best friend, put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car, come back an hour later, open the trunk, and see which one is happy to see you. 


You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? 

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round! 



Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll in stores now?
It comes with all of Ken’s stuff. 


Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."


A man walks out on his front porch one day and sees a gorilla in the tree on his front lawn. He calls animal control and about an hour later a man shows up with a ladder, a pit bull, and a shotgun. The animal control employee tells the man, "I'm here to get the gorilla out of your tree. I'm going to use this ladder to climb up the tree and shake the branch the gorilla is on to knock him to the ground. The pit bull is trained to go after anything that falls from the tree and bites their balls which calms the animal down so I can put him in the truck." The man says "Okay, I see what the ladder and the pit bull are for but what is the shotgun for?" The animal control employee says, "Oh, that's for you. In case I fall out of the tree instead of the gorilla, shoot the dog." 


A 92 year old man is walking through a park and sees a talking frog. He picks up the frog and the frogs says, “If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and be yours for a week.” The old man puts the frog in his pocket. The frog screams, “Hey if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and make love to you for a whole month.” The old man looks at the frog and says, “At my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”


A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”


I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.


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## Goldwing (Nov 5, 2014)

A professional type of girl, trying to make her quota for the night walks up the hall of the hotel calling out "Super sex, Super sex." I cracked my door open a bit and asked, " What kind of soup do you have?"

GW


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## Steve M1911A1 (Feb 6, 2008)

A Priest, a Minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "_Rabbi_, damn' it. It's supposed to be a _Rabbi_!"


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## BackyardCowboy (Aug 27, 2014)

What do you get if you cross a GPS with PMS?

A moody girlfriend who _will_ find you


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