# Update on my father



## paratrooper (Feb 1, 2012)

He is now back under Hospice care. It sounds as if he will be until the end. My wife has been up here for just about a month now, and she is headed back home to Arizona today. 

My brother has been here for about 3-4 days, and will head back to Oregon Wed. night. We had a family pow-wow and decided the best thing for my dad is to keep him in his home. That means I will continue to stay here with him thru the summer and into the winter again. 

The Hospice RN told me that he doesn't expect my father to make it to Christmas. Then again, that's what he said last October when I came up here. My father is about 6' 2" and weighs about 130 lbs. He's pretty much skin & bones. He's also very weak and frail, and sleeps most of the time now. 

My wife will come back up late summer / early Fall if my dad continues to survive. My brother plans to come back up about every three months.

It was great having my wife here. We got a lot done, had good meals, and she's really good with my dad. More so now then ever. We had some more garage sales and sold a lot of stuff. This is the 4th summer we've been having them. I feel as if I'm getting some good control over things and clearing out the house, as it needed it badly. 

Anyways, it's now just a matter of time, watching my dad grow older faster, and it's showing. Hospice has been great, being there for me and supporting me during all this.


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## pic (Nov 14, 2009)

Sorry to hear about the rough time, hang in there .


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## jtguns (Sep 25, 2011)

I too am sorry about your and your Fathers situation. I went thru it earlier this yearwith my mother and am glad you have handle on things. I hope that you and your siblings are in tune witheach other. Working my Moms estate is bad enough, but one of my brothers is being a pain on how I am handling the estate, and most of it is spelled out, go figure.


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## BackyardCowboy (Aug 27, 2014)

Hurts inside. He's gone from being the big strong Dad that raised you to where you now care for him.
Doesn't get any easier, But you know you've done all you can for him and kept him in his Home.


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## paratrooper (Feb 1, 2012)

jtguns said:


> I too am sorry about your and your Fathers situation. I went thru it earlier this yearwith my mother and am glad you have handle on things. I hope that you and your siblings are in tune witheach other. Working my Moms estate is bad enough, but one of my brothers is being a pain on how I am handling the estate, and most of it is spelled out, go figure.


My younger brother has been on-board with my decisions almost 100% of the time. He knows that I'm the one "in the trenches" and rarely questions my decisions or reasons.

My father has a very simple estate. Just his house and the property it's on. No investments, other real property, or other financial interests of any kind. I have full POA and am in charge of all his finances, coming in and going out.

I've had almost 4 yrs. now to get things in order and all worked out. Looking back, I thing I've covered all the bases.


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## win231 (Aug 5, 2015)

jtguns said:


> I too am sorry about your and your Fathers situation. I went thru it earlier this yearwith my mother and am glad you have handle on things. I hope that you and your siblings are in tune witheach other. Working my Moms estate is bad enough, but one of my brothers is being a pain on how I am handling the estate, and most of it is spelled out, go figure.


I have the same brother - he wants everything. As one of the executors, I've had to hire two extra lawyers - one for a trial & another for the appeal after he lost at trial. Lawyers are sponges; they're highly skilled at soaking up $$$. Judges are no better. Legal system is pathetic.


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## Hawk451 (Jan 13, 2016)

Lost my Dad about 4 years ago & Mom last year. Not something you ever get over, but it's the natural course of life. That doesn't mean you have to like it one damn bit. 

You have my sympathy & prayers.


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## boatdoc173 (Mar 15, 2014)

sorry you have to go through this

at least you did right by him and were there to help. you can sleep at night knowing you did your best

the Rns and even the doctors know little. Our maker will decide when the time is right. It is sad that we can put our animals to sleep and yet us humans must endure untilw e are called home. That must change(it may not pertain to your dad) Human suffering really gets to me. 

of course I get upset seeing road kill too. 

hope you find the strength to handle the end of his time. remember the good times. Maybe collect the most precious pictures and momentos to keep for when the time with him is over

at least you can be with him, my dad just stopped dealing with me for no good reason. even told my worthles s sister( an addict) not to tell me when he dies--great dad! 
NOT!

good luck PT


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## Bisley (Aug 24, 2008)

You are a good son, to save him from the indignity of a nursing home. I had every intention of serving my mother in the same way, but it was just not possible, near the end. I'm glad that you and your brother are together on the plan, and that your wife is supportive. It doesn't always go that way, and the pressures can be huge, if born by just one. I wish the best for all of you.


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## win231 (Aug 5, 2015)

boatdoc173 said:


> sorry you have to go through this
> 
> at least you did right by him and were there to help. you can sleep at night knowing you did your best
> 
> ...


Agree 100%. We accept the normal cycle of life & death with animals but I find it totally ridiculous that we go to silly lengths to keep people "alive" (if you want to call it alive) at any cost.


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## paratrooper (Feb 1, 2012)

Thanks to all for the kind words and support. This forum has been very supportive and informative for me. I know that I'm not the only one that's ever gone thru this, but at times, it sure can feel like it. It helps to post about it and offers me a way to vent a bit. 

If / when my dad does become bed-ridden, that is going to be a very tough challenge for me. I just hope that it doesn't come to that.


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## Bisley (Aug 24, 2008)

paratrooper said:


> If / when my dad does become bed-ridden, that is going to be a very tough challenge for me. I just hope that it doesn't come to that.


You must have some help, at that point. You and your brother may have to tell him that it is OK to let go. I had to do this with both of my parents, before they would stop fighting the inevitable. You will know when it's time, if it comes to that, and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. It is the last thing you can do to help him.


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## jtguns (Sep 25, 2011)

Trooper, At this time and I know you may not want to, there are support systems out there. Reach out and find one and see if you can get someone even your brother if he can come up for a few days and take some mental health time for yourself. I know you may not want to leave it to somebody else to do your job, but do it anyway. The stress if you cannot take just a little time off will eat you up. I know, I dealt with and took care of my Mother for many years and she could not be left alone at all. My one brother was a god send and would fly up from Florida for 3 sometimes 4 days so that the other half and I could get out of the house. There are also skilled nursing services out there also, yea they cost, but 3-4 hours of range time will help clear your mind. Stay strong brother.


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## paratrooper (Feb 1, 2012)

Eight days ago, my father got out of bed at 7am w/o my knowledge, walked into the front room and fell. I heard the "thud" and knew what it was. 

I called Hospice and they sent his assigned RN out to check him over. His left side hip looked suspicious, as in maybe a joint issue. He was transported to the hospital to be checked over. His hip was okay, as well as a laceration on the left-side of his head. 

He's in pain and he doesn't tolerate that well. So now, he can't work past the pain / discomfort to stand or walk. He's pretty much been confined to bed since the day he fell (June 13). 

I'm holding out hope that within another week or so, he'll be able to stand again and walk with assistance. With him being confined to bed, it takes caring for him to a whole new level. He's also incontinent and that doesn't help matters any. 

He's just skin and bones and looks like death warmed up 12 different ways. I'm also seeing a marked decline in his ability to rationalize and comprehend. 

I simply hate seeing him as he is. Due to his Dementia / Alzheimer's, he doesn't fully realize his state of being. Truth be told, I'm struggling way more than I thought I would be. His Hospice RN will be out later this week for another visit, and we will be talking private home care facilities. My father is still on the Hospice Respite list. I'm hoping that his turn will come up soon, as I'm really pushing the limits and trying to remain in control thru all this. :smt086


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## Bisley (Aug 24, 2008)

I know exactly where you're at, in this ordeal. The only advice I can offer is to accept help from anyone who offers it, and get a break whenever you can. You can't do anything to make it better.


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## paratrooper (Feb 1, 2012)

Due to the pain & discomfort my dad is experiencing, he's now on doses of oral Morphine. He's also becoming delusional and that concerns me greatly. 

His appetite isn't good and he's sleeping more than ever. Of course, that doesn't mean at night so much. It's not unusual for him to call out for me anywhere from 3-5 times a night. 

The Hospice RN isn't convinced that my dad will recover for the fall he took on the 13th. I was told that he may not become ambulatory again to any great degree. He's pretty much been bed-ridden since the fall on the 13th. 

What was an already a very difficult task caring for him, keeps getting more challenging. :smt086


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## Steve M1911A1 (Feb 6, 2008)

paratrooper said:


> Due to the pain & discomfort my dad is experiencing, he's now on doses of oral Morphine. He's also becoming delusional...


The morphine adds to, and even helps create, the delusional behavior.

With sympathy and apologies, I observe that you may be coming to the end of your difficulties.
If your father remains bedridden, in pain and under morphine, there may soon be serious respiratory issues.

To some extent, that's how Jean's mom died, and my father too.


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## bigjohn56 (Jan 26, 2013)

I agree with Steve regarding the delusion and the morphine. 

Towards the end my father was in incredible pain and the morphine helped but also had him talking about stuff that had happened 40 years ago as if it was today. Made for some interesting conversation.

Hang in there PT!


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## paratrooper (Feb 1, 2012)

Prior to taking the Morphine, my dad would get confused. But, last night after giving him the Morphine, he was very delusional. 

I gave him two Trazodone tabs and that helped a bit, for a couple of hours. The Hospice RN will be calling later this morning to check in with me to see how the night went. I'll discuss the Morphine with him at greater length and try to figure out if it's more of an asset or a liability.


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## high pockets (Apr 25, 2011)

Thoughts & prayers for you and your family.

I wish I could offer more, but this hits a little too close to home.


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## paratrooper (Feb 1, 2012)

I just wanted to take this opportunity once again to thank you all for the responses, tips and advice. 

I know that some of you have already been down this road with your loved ones, or know of others that have been. I read each and every post and consider everything that is said. 

This forum and it's members have been a great source of strength and support, and that means a lot to me. Just being able to write about what's going on is a form of relief for me and is invaluable. 

You guys are the best. :smt023


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## Steve M1911A1 (Feb 6, 2008)

We endeavour to please, sir. -Jeeves


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## paratrooper (Feb 1, 2012)

A transport van will be here tomorrow at 11am to pick up my father and take him to a Hospice Care Facility for 5 days. It's a respite program that they offer to families that need a break from the care-giving process. 

I am so ready for this. According to Hospice, they offer this program once every quarter (3 months). I wasn't even aware of it earlier. Anyways, they did bring it up and made a point to make sure I was aware of it. 

The need must have been obvious to them. :watching:


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## OldManMontgomery (Nov 2, 2013)

My condolences and prayers.


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## paratrooper (Feb 1, 2012)

My father passed away today (July 6) at approx. 5 pm. 

He slipped away in his own bed, in his own home, peacefully and quietly. He simply went to sleep for eternity. For that, I am very grateful. 

A huge load has been lifted from my shoulders. I was dreading the fact that I might have had to place him in a senior-care facility. He was bed-ridden since June 13th, when he took a fall in his living room. 

I thank-you all for allowing me to post about my father and what he was dealing with. I'm also very thankful for all the replies, concern, support, and advice that was given. 

I'm going to be absent for a while. I just wanted to let you all know that my dad is finally at rest and is no longer in pain or discomfort. 

This forum and it's members have been a great means of support to me. I'll always remember that.


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## Cait43 (Apr 4, 2013)

Do Not Stay at My Grave and Weep


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## bigjohn56 (Jan 26, 2013)

Bittersweet I am sure PT. Your father is no longer in pain and will rest for eternity. You will always miss your father. You will always wonder if you did enough, but in reading all of your postings, you were a fine son and did your best. What more could your pops ask of you? Mourn now and then get on with your life!


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## Steve M1911A1 (Feb 6, 2008)

Jean and I send our condolences, and our thoughts.
We've both "been there and done that," so we know what you're going through.
There is sure to be grief, of course, and a feeling of relief. But watch out for the guilt that will come creeping up on you.
You have nothing to feel guilty about, but it'll come to you anyway, if for no other reason than your feeling of relief at his passing.
But it, too, will go away in its time. Just let it go.

If you need any moral support, just ask.
All of us are here for you, if you need us.


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## Bisley (Aug 24, 2008)

May he rest in peace, and may you put your life back in order, as he would surely want you to do. You are a good son and you did your best for him. Put your regrets in their proper place, and start living a happy and productive life, again.


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## BackyardCowboy (Aug 27, 2014)

This may be a confusing guilty time for you. He's your Dad. He has finally passed (Yes, it was time for his passing and is at Peace), but you may feel a bit guilty. That you should have done more than you did for him.
You did what you could and perhaps more than others could have or would have done for their parent. You can only do for them as much as they will allow you to do.
That, as you posted, he was able to pass in his own home among family and did not have to be placed in a nursing home amid a strange place and strangers, however kind, is the act of a Loving and Caring Son.

_You did Well my Son. Hold your head high_


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## tony pasley (May 6, 2006)

My sympathy to and your family. After the Services take a rest for you and wife time to decompress before facing the rest of what is ahead the estate and relatives. You did a Yeoman's task in caring for him soon take of yourself. You have earned it my salute to you for your compassion for your dad.


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## Philco (Apr 17, 2012)

I've been continually impressed with the love and devotion you've shown through your actions. Any father would be grateful to have a loving son such as you. I'll pray for you and your family as you go through this time of mourning. I hope you'll soon be able to look back and realize how well you handled this very difficult situation.


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## AZdave (Oct 23, 2015)

Sometimes words are not enough to express the emotion. Take care and God bless.


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