# Update on my dad and the situation



## paratrooper (Feb 1, 2012)

We're here in Spokane, and have been since the 19th. He's not doing well, and his overall health has declined. 

His live-in care-giver is wanting more money and more time off. We can't meet what she wants, but we can offer some alternatives. Options range from me coming up every three months and stay for two weeks or so, to give her time off, to me coming up here, moving in with my dad, and taking over a lot of her duties, but would mean reduced pay, to my wife and I moving up here and into my dad's place and taking over all the duties 100% and letting her go. 

I want her to stay, but she'd have to agree to a smaller pay raise and the fact that I would do the 90 day thing to give her a block of time off. 

My father sleeps most of the day away. It's not like he's always up and getting around and doing things. Even though she's here 24/7, she has plenty of time to herself, as well as private living areas. 

My younger brother arrives here on Tue. He, myself, and my wife, will then sit down and discuss all the demands and options, and then sit down with the care-giver at a later time. 

I don't expect my father to live out the duration of the year. He's so very weak, it's all that he can do to support himself and walk. He basically cannot do all that much for himself anymore. He more or less, sleeps the day away. 

Anyways, the next few days are going to be challenging. I hope that the care-giver wants to stay and will concede on a few issues. If not, I'll need to adjust and adapt to see things thru.


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## pic (Nov 14, 2009)

Is the caregiver being unfair , in your opinion ?
Is the current caregiver possibly burnt out, maybe it's more of the caregiver having issues.
Is there time to interview a possible replacement caregiver?

Just a quick thought ,
Hang in there , 
Pic


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## pic (Nov 14, 2009)

Did you sell the truck?


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## paratrooper (Feb 1, 2012)

pic said:


> Did you sell the truck?


Yes, the truck sold last Thur. All went well and it's a done deal.


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## paratrooper (Feb 1, 2012)

pic said:


> Is the caregiver being unfair , in your opinion ?
> Is the current caregiver possibly burnt out, maybe it's more of the caregiver having issues.
> Is there time to interview a possible replacement caregiver?
> 
> ...


She hasn't indicated that she's burnt out. She says she's in it for the long run. She wants us to hire outside help that would come in 1-2 days a week for a 24 hr. period. That outside help would run $350.00 for a 24 hr. period.

I'm not sure that the care-giver is considering the value of her room and board. That I will bring up and ask her to put a monetary value on that, and see if it's in-line with what I feel it's worth.

I don't mind upping her salary some, but I can't do what she's asking. It all boils down to an increase in salary and more time off.

Her living conditions are quite good. She has the whole down stairs to her self. Her own bathroom, living room, bedroom, and plenty of storage space.

Just a day or so ago, I had a guy off Craig's List come out to give an estimate on what it would cost to build a wheel chair ramp from inside the garage to the kitchen door that goes to the garage. He quoted me a fair price and I had him come out the next day and build it. She was wanting a garbage disposal installed in the kitchen sink for a while. It now has one.

I have tried to make it as comfy as possible for her. She's been his care-giver since late Aug. of 2012. She has had a pay raise every year. I see that my dad also pays her income taxes as well.

It's now come to a point that she will either concede a bit and stay, or I will come up myself, move-in and assist her with the duties, so she will have more time off, but her pay will have to be reduced by at least 33%, if not a bit more, as I will assume all the grunt work / duties.

I just don't see me getting a replacement care-giver at this stage in my father's life. If his present one won't stay, it will become my responsibility, or the responsibility of both me and my wife. If we both move in for a while, that will stop a lot of money from going out.

I told my wife, if she comes up with me, I'll let her buy a brand-new Bernina sewing machine. For those of you that know a bit about sewing machines, Bernina's don't come cheap. They are pretty much at the top of the food chain. Telling her that, did put a definite twinkle in her eyes.


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## pic (Nov 14, 2009)

BERNINA 1150 MDA ? for precise, professional serging - BERNINA

Great machines, great idea.


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## paratrooper (Feb 1, 2012)

pic said:


> BERNINA 1150 MDA ? for precise, professional serging - BERNINA
> 
> Great machines, great idea.


She currently owns a Bernina. It's several years old and we bought it new. It was at the time, the top-of-the-line mechanical model.

It's been acting up on her a bit, and the Bernina techs haven't been able to diagnose the problem.

Rather than throw several hundred dollars at it to get it repaired, I suggested that she just buy a new one with current technology.

Me and my big mouth. Can you say $6-$8K?


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## bigjohn56 (Jan 26, 2013)

Not to sound harsh, but towards the end of your fathers life, it will get gnarly in caring for him. I think it would be better to have someone else there to help you rather than just you, or just you and your wife. We had someone come for 8 hours a day with my dad and then we handled the rest. Full time on that kind of duty would have killed ME! Just saying........


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## pic (Nov 14, 2009)

Haha, (sewing machine) somehow you can work in "No Shopping" lol.please


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## SailDesign (Jul 17, 2014)

I do not envy you anything there except your attitude. I can only hope I'm half of that when my mother starts to slide. Currently 90 and looks set for another 20 years, but you just never know.

"Congratulations" isn't the right word, but it will have to do for now. There are plenty that wouldn't even consider what you are.


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## paratrooper (Feb 1, 2012)

bigjohn56 said:


> Not to sound harsh, but towards the end of your fathers life, it will get gnarly in caring for him. I think it would be better to have someone else there to help you rather than just you, or just you and your wife. We had someone come for 8 hours a day with my dad and then we handled the rest. Full time on that kind of duty would have killed ME! Just saying........


During my LE career, I sought out elderly and dementia / Alzheimer's training on my own. I did so every 5 yrs. to stay current and updated.

If the care-giver thing doesn't work out, I'm determined to take it on. Hospice will step-in and assist when it's determined that an individual is within 6 months of passing.

I'm retired as well as my wife. If I was still employed, things would be vastly different for me. My dad wasn't a perfect dad, but he came pretty close.

I have a nephew that only lives about 10 miles from my dad's house. He's late 20's and when my younger brother arrives on Tue., we are going to call our nephew and have him come over. We have a lot of issues to settle with him. At the present time, he's pretty much worthless, due to some past problems and issues. We are hoping to resolve a lot of that and seek his assistance with my dad in the near future.


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## Steve M1911A1 (Feb 6, 2008)

Can you arrange to share care duties with your brother, while also keeping the caregiver?
Say, maybe, one month on, one month off for each of you?

Might a "rest home" be a less expensive choice than a live-in caregiver?
We left Jean's mother in the hands of a wonderful caregiver, a family friend, who was not particularly expensive. But later, when Jean's mom had further deteriorated, we moved her to a "convalescent facility" up here in the islands, and it was actually a little less costly than the in-home caregiver plus the expenses of owning her mom's home.
Since everything here in the islands is much more expensive than on the mainland, maybe a facility in Spokane would do better for your father, and would also save you money.


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## paratrooper (Feb 1, 2012)

Steve M1911A1 said:


> Can you arrange to share care duties with your brother, while also keeping the caregiver?
> Say, maybe, one month on, one month off for each of you?
> 
> Might a "rest home" be a less expensive choice than a live-in caregiver?
> ...


My brother is still working and owns his own business. He's struggling to keep it afloat. Bottom line, he can't contribute to helping, other than a visit now and then. He's also having marriage issues, and has had, for years. That's a whole other issue.

I have checked into a nursing home and they are very expensive. They run anywhere from $6K a month and up. Most also have a waiting list.

You did mention _rest home_ and I'm not sure if that is different from a nursing home or not. I haven't even heard the term used for many years.

We are hoping that we can come to terms with his care-giver. We plan on having the talk tomorrow, after my brother arrives. We will sit down with him first, so that we are all on the same page, so to speak.

Luckily for my father, he has right at $5K coming in per month, from SS and pensions. Half of what he gets is 100% tax-free.

What, if any, are the primary differences between a nursing home, and a rest home, or convalescent home? I thought the later two went by the way-side years ago?


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## Steve M1911A1 (Feb 6, 2008)

paratrooper said:


> ...What, if any, are the primary differences between a nursing home, and a rest home, or convalescent home? I thought the later two went by the way-side years ago?


There's no difference, as far as I know.
It's just that I'm old, so occasionally my mind slips and I use an older, now-out-of-use term for something.

Yeah, a nursing home costs about $6K-a-month.
If you moved him to a decent nursing home, and then sold his house, the combination of his present income, plus the income from the sale of his house (invested?), would probably easily pay for the nursing home.

Do the math, and see what it tells you. You might even come out ahead.


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## paratrooper (Feb 1, 2012)

Steve M1911A1 said:


> There's no difference, as far as I know.
> It's just that I'm old, so occasionally my mind slips and I use an older, now-out-of-use term for something.
> 
> Yeah, a nursing home costs about $6K-a-month.
> ...


Thanks for clarifying the terms for me. I know that many say that a nursing home has to be a last resort. My father is still pretty clear in his thinking. I don't think he would ever agree to leaving his home and going into a nursing home. I don't know if i have the where-for-all to even make that happen.

If he were confused and not all that aware of what was going on around him, that would be different. It's just that if he makes it another year, I can't imagine what kind of shape he will be in, compared to what he is now.

Anyways, I do appreciate the fact that I can post about all this, vent a little, and take some load off if only for a while. You guys have been great, and I sincerely do appreciate all the replies, tips, support, and information that you offer.


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## Steve M1911A1 (Feb 6, 2008)

...And I apologize for not being more sympathetic.
I am what Jean calls "a fixer." When I hear about a problem, instead of sympathizing or empathizing with the afflicted person, instead I start trying to find rational solutions.

Sorry 'bout that.


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## paratrooper (Feb 1, 2012)

Steve M1911A1 said:


> ...And I apologize for not being more sympathetic.
> I am what Jean calls "a fixer." When I hear about a problem, instead of sympathizing or empathizing with the afflicted person, instead I start trying to find rational solutions.
> 
> Sorry 'bout that.


No apology needed or expected. I consider everything everyone says. This is all new to me, and the more information I have, the better I feel that I am prepared.


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## TurboHonda (Aug 4, 2012)

Continuing care - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

The end of life cost and care can vary greatly, depending on the needs and requirements of the individual. A nursing home is not the same as an assisted living center is not the same as hospice is not the same as memory care is not......etc. If you check out some of the retirement homes, you'll be able to get a better idea of how much or how little is actually needed. They all have their sales staff to answer your questions. Good luck and God Bless.

Added info: Paratrooper, I've been dealing with the financial end of continuing care since 2006. PM me, if you like. I'll share my experience with you.


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## paratrooper (Feb 1, 2012)

Well, we're back from our trip up to the PNW. We accomplished a lot while at my father's house. We had a good visit and all went well.

In a nutshell, my father will be staying in his home with his live-in care-giver as long as possible. We negotiated with his care-giver on more pay and more time off. 

My brother and I will be going back up to visit every 90 days for 7-14 days at a time. We will take turns making the trip. This will give his care-giver a longer block of time off. 

My dad really can't do much of anything for himself any more. He needs more attention than an assisted living facility can provide. If he weren't able to remain in his home, he would have to be in a nursing home. 

All things considered, he is best suited remaining at home. I don't think he is long for the world. Maybe a year or so at most. My brother and I have talked about this and we are preparing the best we can. That is the reason for the increased visits we have planned. 

Overall, we had a good trip and visit. We were able to celebrate his 84th birthday while there. We had all the things a good birthday party required, balloons, banners, streamers, etc. It went well. 

I now have some time to think back and reflect on what I saw and how my dad was getting along. I plan to go back up the middle of Sept. for 7-10 days. I feel better prepared for what needs to be done as time goes by.


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## Goldwing (Nov 5, 2014)

You are a good son, 'Troop. 

GW


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## SouthernBoy (Jun 27, 2007)

*"I have a nephew that only lives about 10 miles from my dad's house. He's late 20's and when my younger brother arrives on Tue., we are going to call our nephew and have him come over. We have a lot of issues to settle with him. At the present time, he's pretty much worthless, due to some past problems and issues. We are hoping to resolve a lot of that and seek his assistance with my dad in the near future."*

When I saw this, warning flags went up. My wife's grandmother in California had a grandson, one of my wife's cousins, who lived with her and "took care of her". He took care of her alright... to the tune of over $200,000. So be careful with family whom you believe to be less than honorable. And don't take this as an insult directed towards a family member but rather a piece of advice to help you avoid that which you do not want to have to go through at this stage in your dad's life.

I'm happy that you have managed to get a lot of things ironed out. This is a difficult time. I had to put my mother in a nursing home the last years of her life and what with having to spend her down and deal with Medicare, it was not fun... let alone the emotional drain.

You're a good man. Keep the faith and God bless you and your wife.


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## paratrooper (Feb 1, 2012)

SouthernBoy said:


> *"I have a nephew that only lives about 10 miles from my dad's house. He's late 20's and when my younger brother arrives on Tue., we are going to call our nephew and have him come over. We have a lot of issues to settle with him. At the present time, he's pretty much worthless, due to some past problems and issues. We are hoping to resolve a lot of that and seek his assistance with my dad in the near future."*
> 
> When I saw this, warning flags went up. My wife's grandmother in California had a grandson, one of my wife's cousins, who lived with her and "took care of her". He took care of her alright... to the tune of over $200,000. So be careful with family whom you believe to be less than honorable. And don't take this as an insult directed towards a family member but rather a piece of advice to help you avoid that which you do not want to have to go through at this stage in your dad's life.
> 
> ...


We didn't make contact with our nephew while there. My brother did call his mother and asked that she tell her son to call him and my father while we were there. Our nephew never did call or come over for his grandfather's birthday.

Before leaving to go back to Oregon, my brother did go over to our sister-in-law's house and drop off Christmas gifts that were left at my father's house for them from last year. He also left a birthday gift for our nephew, as his birthday was June 11. My brother did talk to her for a bit, but she didn't offer up any reason(s) as to why her son was acting like he was.

My brother played an important part in our nephew's life when he was younger. He was like a 2nd father to him, and took him under his wing as added support. My youngest brother, my nephew's father, passed away Jan. of 2010. Although my youngest brother meant well, he and his wife often came up short when it came to parenting.

At this point in time, my nephew has failed his grandfather miserably. I don't care if he chooses not to have a relationship with me for whatever reason. My father is in the last phase of his life and some visits from his grandson would make a big difference.


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## SailDesign (Jul 17, 2014)

paratrooper said:


> We didn't make contact with our nephew while there. My brother did call his mother and asked that she tell her son to call him and my father while we were there. Our nephew never did call or come over for his grand-father's birthday.
> 
> Before leaving to go back to Oregon, my brother did go over to our sister-in-law's house and drop off Christmas gifts that were left at my father's house for them from last year. He also left a birthday gift for our nephew, as his birthday was June 11. My brother did talk to her for a bit, but she didn't offer up any reason(s) as to why her son was acting like he was.
> 
> ...


One day, I will understand family dynamics. I hope.

Until then I can only wonder. You're ding all the right things, p'trooper. Keep on keeping on.


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## BigCityChief (Jan 2, 2013)

Paratrooper, your Dad is fortunate to have you and your brother. There are so many Dads out there in need who will not have good sons thinking of them this Father's Day.


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## Bisley (Aug 24, 2008)

You are doing it right, I think. 

I've just been through this with my mother, who died in March. I completely agree that your dad being in his own home is better...as long as dementia is not an issue. I hope, for your family's sake that he retains his mental facilities to the end, because the burden becomes immense if the family has to start making every decision. Most of them can't or won't handle it, and the burden will fall unevenly on whoever is the strongest.

Financially speaking, if he does have to eventually go to a nursing home, you might be able to pay for it with his income, plus renting or selling his property. One family member needs to have power of attorney, which is easily accomplished as long as he is in agreement and competent to sign legal documents. Government assistance will not be an option, as long as he owns property, and it is probably too late to transfer ownership and still qualify for Medicaid assistance. So, the state government would have a lien on the property which would have to reimburse them before any profits were realized from the sale by his heirs.

Hang in there.


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